Reflection's Before a Funeral
by islashlove
Summary: These are the thoughts of the ones left behind. Thoughts as they get ready for Shawn's funeral. This is my sequel to my story "In Control, Even in Death". It might help to read that story first, but isn't necessary. Each chapter is short and each one is from everyone's point of view.
1. Henry

**Disclaimer:**** I do not own anything that is from Psych. **

**Beta:**** Yes and thank you to jerseybelle for all her hard work.**

**Warning:**** Shawn is dead. He had committed suicide and this fact is mentioned often in the chapters ahead. Please, suicides are a very serious matter and if you feel that it is your only option, please talk to someone first. **

**Author's Notes:**** This is my sequel to my story "In Control, Even in Death". It might help to read that story first, but isn't necessary. Each chapter is short and each one is from everyone's point of view. Plus at the end of each one Shawn's spirit respond to what they have thought/said about him. Please note these chapters are short, as they are only quick thought just before they leave for the funeral.**

**Story Notes:**** These are the thoughts of the ones left behind. Thoughts as they get ready for Shawn's funeral. **

**Reflection's Before a Funeral:**** By islashlove**

**Chapter 1:**** Henry**

I can't believe it, Shawn. Here I am, standing in front of my own mirror, trying to get ready for your funeral and for the first time in my life, I can't get my tie right. Damn it, Shawn, this is my fifth attempt at this and I still can't do it. If I don't get it right this time, I'm not wearing it.

You know Shawn, this just isn't fair. It should be you, burying me; not the other way around. No parent should be burying their child and no child should die before their parents do. And one thing is for sure, Shawn, I'm not going to cry. I'm not going to give you the satisfaction that you brought me to tears, not when you did this to yourself.

Now…there, is this tie straight? God, Shawn, what in the world were you thinking, when you chose this...this tie, for me. At least it will bring smiles to people's faces when they see it. It does to my face, I mean, with the lovely beach scene, the dancing woman with the grass skirt on. I guess, I'm just glad you're letting me wear a suit and tie, even if it is 'this' tie that you asked me to wear.

You know, Shawn, I still can't believe you organised your own funeral, let alone your own death. I mean, Shawn, I'm not surprised, not one bit that you knew what you wanted for your funeral. You have been telling me that since you were twelve. It's just that you managed to do it, to actually organise and paid for it, as well. Usually, you leave everything to the last minute or get Gus to do it. So my hat is off to you, well done, son.

I often look at that last photo you gave me. I was so sure you were going to get yourself killed riding that damn death trap of a bike of yours. I could never imagine that you would take your own life, but I guess I didn't know you like I thought I did, kid.

I'm sorry, Shawn, if I wasn't the best father to you and I'm truly sorry if I really did make you think that I wasn't proud of you. Of course I was, I was your father and every time you succeeded in anything, I was proud. Yes, I was disappointed that your life didn't go the way I wanted it to go, but I'm glad, no proud, that you had the guts to stand up for yourself, even if it was standing up to me.

I'm proud that you lived your life the way you wanted to and I am grateful that you stayed good. What I mean is, Shawn, is you could have become a crook, just to spite me, but you didn't. Instead you opened up Psych and worked with the police, not against them. Shawn I was also glad that you stayed in Santa Barbara and we sort of managed to reconnect, it was something I never thought we would do.

Well I've got to get going Shawn. I'm picking up Chief Vick and taking her to the funeral, your funeral. Please, Shawn, don't let it be a circus. I know at one time you said you were going to have one for your funeral. But however you have set it up, I'm sure it's going to be...different.

**Shawn's reply...**

So dad, you finely know how it feels for me all the time. That's why I don't wear ties or I'd get Gus to do it for me and you will be wearing it. I know you will, because I asked you to.

Oh Dad, Dad, Dad. How many times have I told you that I don't play by the rules? Yes, Dad, you're definitely right. You should have died before me. But it just didn't work out that way, you know. But you're wrong, you will cry; every one cries at a funeral, even you.

There, you see. I knew you would get that tie on sooner or later and what is wrong with it. It's not rude or vulgar. It's a nice tie, with a nice picture. Anyway, I wanted you to wear this tie at the funeral for a good reason, Dad. It holds a childhood memory of mine and I hope at the funeral, you'll remember what that memory was.

And when you smile, Dad, it's lovely. Yes, people will smile when they see it and they will say they knew that I had given it to you. Maybe that is what will trigger your memory about the tie. Especially, since you have insisted on wearing that black suit to my funeral.

You're right again, Dad, I am lazy. I do leave everything to the last minute, or as you say, I get Gus to do it, like, tying my ties. But I had since I was twelve to organise my funeral and as for my death. Well, let's just say, my life was already over, I just chose how I wanted to exit.

I didn't mean for Gus to be hurt like he was, seeing me like that. But to be honest, I'm glad I died saving him, rather than jumping from a building or riding my bike off a cliff or in front of a truck. As for actually organising and paying for it, well, I had help, Dad and you will meet that help today at the funeral

I knew you would like that photo of me and my bike. I had it taken two days after I found out I had cancer. I know that you always thought that my bike was going to be the death of me, but the truth was, it was part of me. Part of who I was. It took me away from my troubles and into new ones. But the one thing it always did, Dad, was it always brought me home.

Wow, Dad, that was deep, but you are wrong. You were an amazing father to me. You taught me things that, that I took with me and used right through my life. You could have left like mum, but you didn't. You stayed with me, even when it seem like I was out of control, you stayed. To finally hear you say you were proud of me, well, it's bitter sweet and it was all I ever wanted from you. It's a shame I had to be dead for you say it.

No, my life didn't go the way you wanted it to, but I think it went better. As for me standing on my own two feet, well I got that from you. It was one of the many things you had taught me.

A crook, huh; well that's an interesting idea. Yeah I could see myself as a cat bugler…not. And as for Psych, I really didn't have a choice there. I was in real trouble and I wasn't sure if you would help me or not. Sorry I didn't trust you. I'm also glad that I stayed in Santa Barbara and we started to connect, even if we did fight all the time.

A circus, Dad, really, did you really think I'm that immature. Yes, my funeral is going to be different, but I think you're going be happy with it, Dad.

Well, see you there.

**Thank you for reading my story and for reviewing**


	2. Madeline Spencer

**Chapter 2: Madeline Spencer **

Damn it, Shawn! Once again you have interfered with my work. First it was when you were born and then every time you got sick or needed something. Even after I left, you and/or your father kept on calling me for one thing or another. Now this! I should be a thousand miles away at work, not here, not at your funeral.

What in the world were you thinking, Shawn? I really can't work it out; it was only Burton Guster; you could have easily gotten yourself a new friend. After all, this was his fault wasn't? He was always the weaker one, always needing you to look after him, which is why I couldn't understand your friendship with him.

I also blame your father for this; he was always trying to push you into joining the police force and when he couldn't get what he wanted, he covered for you and your hair-brained scheme of you being a psychic. He should have known better, but he was blinded by the fact that it was going to be the closest you'd ever get to being a police officer. Now look where it's gotten you.

I'm sorry, Shawn, I shouldn't have said that. I know it's not their fault, I just can't believe that you would kill yourself just because you had cancer. Your dad told me about how you had said that you were going to be in charge of your own death and your own funeral. I can't believe your dad let you actually do that.

Shawn, I don't know what you are trying to tell me with this heart-shaped necklace. I can see it has one side full and the other side is broken with your picture in it. It's a lovely little thing, but I really don't know what you were expecting me to do with it.

Well, I'm as ready as I can be, Shawn. So let's go and see how you stuffed up your own funeral.

**Shawn's reply...**

Yep, Mum, that's right; I've interfered with your work again. Why the hell did you have me in the first place if I was going to be such a problem to your career? As for calling you, I was a child, Mum. I wanted to know where you were and as for Dad, he was just trying to keep you a part of my life, that's all. I did, in the end, get the message that you would have preferred to be a thousand miles away at work than anywhere near me.

What was I thinking? Do you really not get it? Gus wasn't just a friend; he was 'the' friend. The only friend I have ever had. He was more than a friend. He was my brother, my comrade and my life line. I guess you will never understand. I just couldn't go out and get another friend; not like Gus, anyway. Trust me, I'd tried and I couldn't do it.

As for this being his fault, no, it wasn't. This didn't happen because he was weak, in fact, if you had gotten to know him, you would have seen that Gus was strong, a lot stronger than me. Yes, I did look after him, a lot, but in saying that, he also looked after me. If it hadn't been for Gus and our friendship, you would have been at my funeral a lot earlier than this. I have a secret, Mum; I couldn't understand our friendship either.

You blame Dad for this because he kept on trying to push me into the police force. Well guess what, Mum, I did join the police force. But I couldn't handle it, not because of the orders, but because I couldn't handle being in an office. Yes, with Psych I'm in an office, but Gus is there and when I needed to, I could leave.

Speaking about my hair-brained scheme of being a psychic, yes, Dad did back me up. He did know better, but at least he believed in me, both as a person and in what I could do. As for where it has gotten me, I didn't die in the line of duty. I died saving my friend and I died because I wanted to. I could have stepped aside and let Lassie take the shooter down, but I didn't. It was my choice and that was what I chose to do.

I know you're sorry, Mum, but it's too late to take back what you just said. I know in your heart you will miss me and that right now you need to blame someone besides me for my death. But it was me. I did it because of the cancer. I know Dad told you about how I planned to be in charge of my own death and funeral. But to be honest, he didn't let me; he had no choice in the matter, as I had already done it, without him knowing.

And really, Mum, you really can't tell what it means. You're supposed to be a psychologist and you're telling me you don't get it. I mean what's not to get? It's a heart-shaped necklace, Mum. One side is broken with my picture in it. It's not supposed to be a 'lovely little thing'. I hope that after the funeral you will understand what I expect you to do with it, Mum. Otherwise, I truly meant nothing to you. Well, we'll see after the funeral, won't we? As for, a stuff up, I don't think so.

**Thank you for reading my story and for reviewing. **


	3. Gus

**Chapter 3:**** Gus**

I still can't believe this is happening, Shawn. Is this some kind joke, buddy? What are you going to do, jump out of the coffin shouting surprise? Damn it, Shawn! I shouldn't be getting ready for your funeral, not yet anyway. Maybe fifty or sixty years from now I should be, but not today. Today we should be at the paint ball arena, where I should be whipping your ass. That's right, just as we had planned. Wait I mean, that we had planned to play paint ball, not me to whip your ass.

Why the hell did you think you were invincible? You of all people should have known better than that and why the hell did you always think you could talk your way out of everything? Yeah, I get it, buddy. I understand about the cancer and not wanting to let it steal away what made you, you. But you know what, it would have been nice to know what was going on.

It would have been easier to understand that you had pulled the trigger and not the gunman. You saved me Shawn and now I have to find a way to get through this. At first, I know I'm going to be mad with you. I always am when you leave. It will just be getting use to you not ringing or sending a post card and I'll have to go and see you, instead of you coming here to see me.

I guess we'll never know where Psych was going to take us now or the real reason you came back to Santa Barbara. I know you told your dad that you just stopped in to say hi, you said the same thing to me, remember. But I could see in your eyes, there was something else and it hurt me to know that you felt that you couldn't trust me.

Shawn, I'm scared. I don't know if I can go on without you here. I've always had you to fall back on when things went wrong. Who do I have now? No one! You were always there for me, even when you were miles away. You always seemed to ring me when I needed to talk to someone, just like I was there for you, buddy. Even in your last moments of life, you were there for me.

Oh, God, Shawn, look at me. Why in the world do you want me to wear your green Apple Jacks T-shirt at your funeral? I know that you have been planning this funeral since we were kids and I know that you didn't want a normal funeral, but please, Shawn, I hope it's not a three ring circus.

Damn it, Shawn. I wish that was my alarm telling me it's time to wake up from this nightmare, that I'm going to turn around and you're going to be standing behind me, smiling.

What...Shawn? I could have sworn that I…just, just saw you in the corner of my mirror.

Thank you, Shawn, now I know I can handle this and whatever the future holds for me. I now know that you're watching over me and I'm going to be ok.

Well it's time to go and get this over and done with. I hope you are happy where ever you are.

**Shawn's reply...**

Sorry buddy, but this isn't some kind bad joke. I'm not going to be jumping out of the coffin shouting 'surprise' at everyone. But you're right, Gus, you shouldn't be getting ready for my funeral.

What, it was two weeks ago I died? So yeah, you're right, you should have been taking me up to the doctors in the wheel chair instead, to find out whether I may or may not have another week or so left to live. I hadn't 'just' gotten cancer, Gus. I had it for years and there was nothing they could do for me anymore.

I wouldn't have made it for another fifty or sixty years. But God, I wish I could have and seen what we would look like then. You would most likely look the same, but with hair and wrinkles all over. Me, I'd still have a spring in my step and the same perfect hair I have today.

You're right as usual Gus; we were supposed to be playing paint ball today. But, who knows, maybe, just maybe you would have won the paint ball game this time. I'm sorry, we'll never find out.

I never thought I was invincible, Gus, and I'm so sorry that I always gave you that impression about me. I did know better, the cancer proved that. Gus, you knew me; when I got scared my brain stopped working and my mouth kicked in and yes, I talked. I also knew that one day, I wouldn't be able to talk myself out of a situation and I'm so glad that day never came because you would have been with me and it wouldn't just be me in trouble.

You think you understand about the cancer and how I didn't want it to steal away what made me, me. But you don't, you can't understand, Gus, not until you have gone through it. Sorry buddy, but knowing what was going on and understanding it are two different things. I guess it might have made it a little easier to understand, that I had to pull the trigger and not the gunman. But if you had known, you would have tried to stop me.

I saved you, yes I did, and if I'm right, I have been saving you since we first met. And you will get through this, Gus. I always knew it. I always knew that when I phoned you for the first time after leaving that you were mad with me.

You will, Gus, you will get use to me not ringing or sending you a post card and I'll like it if you would come and see me at my grave. And who said I won't come and see you?

We already knew where Psych was taking us, Gus. It was just up to us to let it, but now, I'm sorry I've even destroyed that as well.

The real reason why I came back to Santa Barbara? Yes, Gus you will know, not just yet, but soon, I promise. I wish that back then I could have told you the truth. See, you knew me so well, that you knew I was hiding something. I'm sorry I hurt you by not telling you, but it was for the best, trust me.

I know that you're scared. But you can go on without me. You do it every time I leave.

As for falling back on me when things went wrong, I'm still going to be there for you, buddy. It's just in the form of things that you do. I have taught you things you're not yet aware of. But once you are, you'll know where it came from. As for being there for you even in my last moments of life, buddy, you were there for me as well. You gave me the chance to go out as a hero, not a looser, who jumped from a building, but a hero who died saving his best friend.

You look good to me, Gus, and as to why I wanted you to wear my Apple Jacks T-shirt to the funeral? Well you will have to wait and see. I've been planning this funeral since I was twelve and you knew that I didn't want a normal funeral and it definitely won't be. But, what's with you and Dad, you both really think I'd have a circus for my funeral. Please, give me some credit.

Sorry, Gus, but this isn't a nightmare, I really am gone. I, too, wish that you could just turn around and I'd be standing behind you, smiling. What...Gus, you saw me standing there? Maybe there are miracles and this was the one of them and it was telling you that you can face the future without me because now I know I'm going to be able to watch over you and you are going to be ok.

See you at the funeral.

**Thank you for reading my story and for reviewing.**


	4. Lassiter

**Chapter 4:**** Lassiter **

Well, Spencer, I haven't changed because you're dead. I can see the same image that I see every morning; it is still looking back at me from my mirror. So why the hell is it the same when I have changed so much over the last few years because of you?

My suits are the same; yet now days, instead of wearing them as a stiff barrier to keep everyone out, I now wear them with pride for what I have achieved. I'm even wearing casual clothing outside work.

When I'm dealing with suspects, my tough, serious, don't mess with me attitude is still there. But now, when dealing with my colleagues and friends, I now wear a smile and I listen to what they have to say. The truth is, I am no longer the same person on the inside anymore and I like who I have become, all because of you.

So now that you are gone, Spencer, what is my world going be like without you in it? Yes, I know it is going to be quiet and peaceful, but I wonder if that is what I really want anymore. I know it isn't, I want the life that you gave me. You brought sunshine into my cloud covered life. I just hope I will be able to find a way to keep it there without you around anymore.

I can see through my window that the sun is still shining. How is that even possible; doesn't it know that part of it has died and that today, we are burying it, that we are burying you. Maybe this is it. Maybe this is what you were, that little ray of sunlight which always seemed to manage to slip through the clouds to brighten up the day.

Right, I better get going. So, Spencer, do I look ok?

You know, Spencer, this small posy of colourful flowers you want me to wear looks good. And I'm proud to wear it for you. It's funny, but right now, right at this moment, I finally understand what you truly meant to me and even though today is a sad one, I am going to walk out of here with a smile on my face. I know now that thanks to you, I am a better man and proud of it. I also know that for the first time in a long time, I'm going to be ok.

**Shawn's reply...**

Lassie, Lassie, Lassie! My dear, dear Detective Lassiter, what were you trying to do? Of course you can't see the changes that have happened to you. Don't you understand they were already part of you; they were just hidden by the anger and mistrust you were wearing.

Yes, Lassie dear, you will always wear those suits; they are a part of who you are. But, I am also glad that I have seen you wear casual clothes, too.

I have watched as you've scared the truth out of the bad guys with your Lassiter look. But I must admit, I do prefer the smile that you have for your colleagues and friends and how you are now willing to listen to them, as well as be there when they need you. So you like who you've become, well thank you. I'm glad I could help in a small way.

As for what your world is going to be like without me in it. It's going to be a good world, maybe even a better world, because you're still in it. If you stop looking for just one second, Lassie, you will see there is already a spark of light and it comes from you. All you need to do is let it shine, either through your smile or your actions.

And Lassie, of course the sun is shining. It knows I don't want tears at my funeral. I want smiling faces and voices filled with laughter. I want people to speak of their memories of me with happiness and joy, not filled with sadness, because that isn't, wasn't, who I was. I am fun and I am laughter. I was me.

You're looking good, Detective, and I am so glad that you are going to wear the posy for me with pride. Soon you will know why I chose it for you and what meaning it holds.

That will be right, Lassie, now you finally get me. You finally understand what I'm all about. It's just a shame I had to die first. Yes, you really have started to understand me, haven't you? Thank you for the smile and I hope many will follow you, as well.

Ok, I'll see you at the funeral and yes you will be ok. You have so many people who care for you and that want to help you and now, you are ready to let them in.

**Thank you for reading my story and for reviewing.**


	5. McNab

**Author's Note:**** I have a response to a guest (Checkerz) review at the bottom of this chapter.**

**Chapter 5:**** McNab**

You know, Shawn, it's just not fair. We shouldn't be going to your funeral. I mean…how could someone so full of life and laughter suddenly stop and disappear.

The station is empty, like it has lost its soul. You were the sunshine in a job the dealt with the horrors of mankind on a daily basis and now, there only seems to be gloom. Otherwise, you should see the station. The day after it was released about your death, the tributes started flowing in.

There are flowers and gifts everywhere and as you requested, they are being given to hospitals and funeral parlours to brighten someone else's day. Thanks to you, I have been able to cope with what had happened because I've been given the job of helping to deliver those flowers.

Seeing the faces light up has shown me you're still here and that you are still brightening someone's day. That was just like you, always thinking about other people. Then why the hell didn't you think about us? The ones you knew, the ones you have left behind. You know, Shawn, suicide wasn't the answer; we were.

Since that day, O'Hara hasn't been back to the station; neither has Gus. Chief Vick just hides in her office and the rest of the station seems to be running on auto pilot. Only your dad and Detective Lassiter seem unfazed by your death and keep on working as if nothing has happened.

I just don't understand them, I know your dad loved you and despite all pretences, Detective Lassiter actually did like you. So, how can they just go on as if nothing has changed? I just cannot comprehend it.

Thank you for the tie pin of the tough, biker teddy bear. I just wish you were here to tell me what it meant to you. But I will wear it today, out in the open, with pride. I will also wear it every day, but I will just have to hide it when I'm at work.

Well, it's time to go Shawn, time to say goodbye, even though it is way too soon. I guess the saying is true. Only the good die young.

I really can't wait to see how you have set up your own funeral; I bet it will be one that I'll never forget.

**Shawn's reply...**

I know, Buzz, I know it's wasn't fair of me. But I wish everyone could understand why I did it. I was someone full of life and laughter, but as for me to suddenly disappear, that's not true. I was slowly disappearing; the cancer was eating away at me. If I had left it, I would have disappeared long before I died, and I just couldn't let that happen.

I have visited the station, Buzz, but if you look a little closer you will find it's not empty. The soul of it is still there. It is in every one of you and over time, the sunshine will return.

Yes, it is a bad job to have to deal with and the horrors that you see you will one day find a way to cope. At least you can see from the tributes, that it only takes a smile to change the smallest things.

I am so glad that you were given the job of handing out the flowers and gifts. The station looks like a florist and I'm glad that the hospitals and funeral parlours are getting good use out of them. Well, maybe it's not really good that funeral parlours are, but I think you know what I mean. It is funny how a simple act of kindness like this can brighten someone's day.

I will always be here, Buzz, and it isn't me who is brightening up their faces, it's you. You're the one giving out the flowers and gifts, not me.

I'm sorry, you're right, I didn't think about you or anyone else when I did this. It was very selfish of me and you're right about suicide not being the answer. But at the time it did and I now wish that maybe I had talked to someone. Well, it's too late now.

I'm keeping an eye on Juliet and she will be back soon, trust me. Gus is fine too, he is coping in his own way, but don't expect to see him anytime soon, after today. The memories are too strong, too fresh for him at the moment, but he will be back. As for Chief Vick, she's not hiding in her office; she just doesn't want to face my dad yet. She is also watching everyone to see how they are coping. She can also see that the station is running on auto pilot, but she can also see each and every officer slowly returning to normal.

As for Dad and Detective Lassiter seemingly unfazed, no, no they're not. They are just coping in their own way. Dad does love me and he has even cried. Detective Lassiter, he's harder to crack, but them going on as if nothing has changed, well, that's just them, you'll see.

The tie pin of that tough little teddy bear, I will be telling you what it meant to me and why I wanted you to have it, soon enough. You should have pride wearing it, Buzz; it's you. I don't think Lassie will make you hide it at work either, you will see what I mean later.

Anytime someone dies it's way too soon. As for 'only the good die young', thank you. But although I was young in age, I had lived a full life and I have no regrets.

**Thank you for reading my story and for reviewing.**

**Checkerz: The type of suicide I used for Shawn is called, Suicide by Proxy. Most often the person goes out with a weapon in hopes the police will shot and kill them. But in Shawn's situation, he had the gunman kill him instead.**


	6. Chief Vick

**Chapter 7:**** Chief Vick**

God, I hate days like these. The days I have to bury one of my officers and yes, Mr. Shawn Spencer, I did think of you as one of my officers. You and Mr. Guster!

I still don't understand how you did what you did, but thank you; thank you for all you had done. Not just for all the crimes you helped solve, but for all the joy and hope you brought with you every time you walked through the station's door.

I haven't seen Mr. Guster since the day he gave his statement on what had happened. I do hope he's ok. I know that Lassiter and Henry are just coping and I hope to have O'Hara back to work soon. Otherwise, the rest of the station in slowly returning to normal, at least as normal as it can be without you around.

Henry tried to explain to us all about the boxes with our names on them. And how, inside each one, there was an item that was special to you and that you wanted us to wear at your funeral and that we are to keep them. I am sure that in some way you are going to find a way to explain what these items meant to you and why you wanted us to have them. At least I hope you do, as I cannot understand why you would give me a medal, or what the medal represents, but whatever it is, I am proud to wear it for you.

That will be your dad knocking at my door, Shawn; he's giving me a lift to the church. He is worried that you've arranged a circus for your funeral, let's hope not, for his sake...and ours.

**Shawn's reply...**

Chief, you thought of Gus and me as two of your officers. Really? Because, that's not the impression I got. I felt like you just put up with us in order to get results.

I did what I did because I could do it, but thank you, as it was a pleasure working with you, Chief. I had fun solving the crimes and annoying Lassie, but mostly, for all the joy and hope I saw in all the officer's faces every time I walked through those station doors.

Gus, he's fine. He's just a little shaken up from that day. Lassiter and Dad, just coping, no, they're just moving ahead and when they're alone they let it all out. Juliet will be back at work very soon, she's just trying to sort out where she really belongs. As for the rest of the station, it will bounce back in time and it will be as if I was never been there.

Arr...the boxes. Well, yes, you will soon understand about your items and Dad was right, each one was special to me and each one does hold a meaning, something about our relationships to each other. I will be explaining what these items mean to me and why I wanted you to wear them later.

I can't understand why you don't know what the medal represents. I'm sure you've seen one before. I'm proud that you will be proud to wear it for me, but it's not only for me you will be wearing it, but also for every officer who has fallen in the line of duty.

Don't worry, Chief, it's not a circus, but it isn't your traditional funeral either. I'm sure Dad will get you to and from the funeral, safely, so I'll see you there. Bye.

**The End**

**Thank you for reading my story and for reviewing. **


	7. Juliet

**Author's Notes:**** Hi, I am just letting all of you; my lovely readers know that the sequel to 'The Marriage Proposal' has been written and is being posted at the moment in the crossover section. It is a cross over between Psych and Diagnosis Murder and is called 'Shot by the Past'.**

**Chapter 6:**** Juliet**

Damn it, Shawn Spencer, damn it! Look at what you have done to me. You've left me a crying mess. Why the hell did you do it? I am so bad that I haven't even been able to go back to work yet. Why didn't you tell us so we could have helped you?

You know you're being called a hero, don't you, because you sacrificed your life to save Gus'. But just like Gus, I would prefer you here. He misses you, Shawn, we all do, your dad, the Chief, McNab, Gus and his parents, even Lassiter.

I watch him; he hears a noise or a voice and he looks up and around looking for something, but when he doesn't finds it, you can see the disappointment in his face. I'm sure he's looking for you.

I know you want us all to be happy with smiles on our faces today, but I don't think I can. I can't find anything to smile about because you're not here. But I will tell you a secret; I was just about to give in. I was just about to say yes to you asking me out. I could have been there for you; all that time wasted because of my pride.

Thank you for this lovely dress which I'm wearing. It's the dress you had picked out for me, but why do you wanted me to wear such a beautiful white dress with rainbow circles on it, when I should be wearing black?

Oh, that's Lassiter beeping his horn. I think he blames himself for not stopping you in time. I know he knows that you took your own life, but it still feels like we could have done more to stop it.

There he is again on that bloody horn of his; I better get going before he starts banging on my door. Just one more thing, Shawn, I love you and I will always will.

**Shawn's reply...**

Damn ME, Julies? Look at what I have done to you? What about all the times you rejected me and I went home crying. What about them?

And as for why I did it, I did it for you, so you didn't have to watch me die a slow and painful death or watch the man you knew, disappear and leave just an empty shell behind. That's why I did it.

You will, you will be able to go back to work soon and as for telling you, I couldn't, I just couldn't. Sorry, Julies, but this was one thing I had to do alone.

A hero; me! Are you serious, Julies? Because I'm not! I was a coward, I took the easy way out, and I took my own life. That's not what a hero does. It was Gus; so of course I would save his life, why wouldn't I and I, too, wish I could still be here with you and the rest. You will miss me and for a long time, but it will get better and easier as time goes on.

Want to know a secret, Juliet. It is me. I am that noise or the breath of wind that's carrying my voice. I have noticed that you all look up when I do something, but it is only Lassiter who looks the longest for me. The disappointment in his face tells me that he really did care.

Of course I want you all to be happy today and every day, but I'm not expecting you to hide your true feelings either; I can't expect you to. Oh, you will, Jules, you will. Once you see the people and hear how they meet or got to know me, you'll find things to smile about, you will even laugh; trust me.

You, Juliet, you have a juicy little secret to tell me.

No, Juliet, that's not fair. How can you now, just now, tell me that I had won! That I had broken your defences and you were going to say yes to me, how could you? It could have stopped me; it could have been what I needed to hold on to, a reason to live. That's right; it all came down to your stupid pride. All that time we could have been together, wasted.

You look lovely in that dress, I'm so glad it fits you. Why a happy bubbly, white dress with rainbow circles on it instead of a miserable black one? You'll just have to wait and see.

Just as impatient as always, our Lassie.

I know that he blames himself for not stopping me in time, as well as not seeing what was going through my mind, but he will gradually understand why I did this. I wanted to die and no matter what he did, I would have still ended up dead, not then, but some time that night.

Yeah, you better get going, after all you don't need a hole through your front door. You love me, Juliet. You really do; don't you? I know you will always love me, and I will always be in your heart. And I will always love you, too.

**Thank you for reading my story and for reviewing.**


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